The Glam Gran Stakes by Pauline Binns Back

This poem was written by Pauline Binns in about 1984, which is believed to have been the only year when she entered the competition. Thanks to Ron Stanway for submitting the poem.

At Minehead this year, I was full of good cheer,
When I won a Glamorous Grandmother heat.
Had knowledge prevailed, as to what was entailed,
I'd have beaten a hasty retreat!

I was certainly delighted, when I was invited,
To the Final at Scarborough's 'Grand'.
I bought a new frock, the price was a shock,

We arrived Friday night, I slept very light,
Rehearsal was at 9 the next day.
The gathering of the clans, over 100 Glam.Grans,
Was a 'facer' in more than one way.

Some were like me, scared as can be,
First-timers in a nervous condition.
But others were cool, they each knew the rule,
As they eyed the assembled competition.

They'd been here before, they all knew the score,
The regulars knew all the names.
They were sleek and well groomed, for rehearsal I felt doomed,
You could pick out the ones who'd find fame.

It was time for the show, I'd had quite a blow,
Dropped a lens in my trembling state.
As I crawled round the floor, I was even more sure,
That I'd taken too much on my plate.

And then what a shock, as each glittering frock,
Topped up by make-up incredibly applied.
I must have been mad, any faint hope that I had.
There and then quite simply died.

One vision in gold, with jewelry bold,
Sympathised with me as we waited.
"You know you won't win" she said with a grin.
"Your make-up is too under-stated".

My turn came around, my heart it did pound,
My knees and my lips went to pot.
Down the catwalk I sped, trying to master my dread,
But the smile for the judges I forgot.

The final twenty-three, was announced, but not me,
And I wasn't bothered a bit.
The ones that got through, deserve it it's true,
For stamina and professional grit.